Didn't want my day off to go quite like this.
It started off beautifully with a very cozy sleeping in and slow start. The hubs brought me coffee and I finished an episode of a Netflix program. Then I wet down my hair (only to put a hat on moments later) and got dressed for the short walk to my favorite local coffee spot. Some writing and sipping, then a nice walk back home to take off for lunch with my husband.
Things started going sideways when one of us brought up my job search.
I'm currently a high school teacher. English. I don't want to be. I never wanted to be. I don't know what I want to be. That makes a difficult job search even harder. The hubster wants me to narrow focus and cater my resume to a new career. Which is very reasonable. (He is quite a reasonable person)
Mind you, I am naive and intentionally ignorant about many things. This is mostly a coping technique for my mental health struggles. I don't know what career options there are or what I want to do, as I have already mentioned. He made some suggestions that interested me and went on to describe how I will have to train or complete schooling in order to make the transition.
This is reasonable, of course, as well as disheartening, as it means that I have to continue teaching next year in order to have any hopes of a lateral career move and making similar money. I had hoped that I would be able to make a leap into a new career this summer, but increasingly it seems not likely.
I enjoy many things about teaching, but during the 2nd and 3rd quarters of the school year my mood dives. All the great coworkers and easy commutes can't bring it up. I get suicidal and want to hurt myself. I don't cope well and drift into bad mental and physical habits. It's not good by any measure, unless, perhaps, you measure it against my postpartum period.
During the spousal conversation monetary obligations were emphasized and realities clarified, things I tend to avoid thinking about to avoid deep dives in my mood and skyrocketing in my anxiety. I end up crying and hoeing the backyard to plant pumpkins.
Some crying done and a new nickname discovered ("useless cow" this time) I made my way back inside and to my computer to read an email from a friend who is overseas. It was heartbreaking. She's not doing well. Her months of silence are because of her own anxiety and troubles and nothing that I wrote (as I was beginning to think). The email was incomplete, but she sent it anyway as it would probably never make it if she waited to write more.
More tears.
I feel trapped as I feel she does as well. Maybe in different ways, but still.
Now, to try and salvage a day of heartbreak.
And I was worried about having something to talk to my therapist about today. Funny, that.
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