Anticipation

Family visit coming up. My mother is returning with my sister and her children. Two nephews and a new niece (6 months still counts as new to me). 

I know the backstory isn't here yet, but I promise there are abundant records of the complicated relationship between my sister and I on the old blog. The anticipation of this visit is complicated as well. There is the regular nerves about hosting and changes in routines. There is excitement. There is anxiety about things going awry.

How do things go awry, you wonder? My sister has been know to "lose it" from time to time. As someone with my own mental health issues, I don't judge, but I fear. Her break downs erupt outward whereas mine are more of implosions. I've been in the crosshairs before and there are serious trust issues when it comes to my sister because of these episodes. There is also the question of her honesty that generates trust issues.

Due to my anxiety and a lot of ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy), I have memory loss. My husband and I seriously suspect that my sister has lied to me about past events for whatever reasons. I'm not sure if it's a power trip, if she misremembers, or it's a joke, but it's disorienting and one more reason not to trust her.

My sister has been in therapy or sought some treatment for fleeting moments throughout her life, but I don't think she's ever been properly diagnosed and treated for whatever she might have. If it's just her personality, well that comes down to learning and coping in other ways that she has never embraced.

I know it's sad to say these things. I know I have some sadness regarding the relationship, but I don't mourn very much. I just proceed cautiously. I accept it for what it is. I try to balance a cautious tolerance with a dash of trust that is always outweighed by skepticism. 

I know she wants more. My mother mentions on the regular how much my sister wants to be closer to me. I don't know if I can though. The fear and mistrust is a serious block to deepening our relationship. Not to mention the differences in humor and values. We've always clashed. I'm not sure how things will go this trip or in the future for us. I'm going to do my best though to have a good visit.