A lot has happened since the last entry. Most notably, I decided that it's worth asking if I can go part-time at work. Getting to that decision was a bit rocky and stricken with tears.
After a friend mentioned that I say my husband "says this" and "thinks this" and frame most of my decisions as his I was thrown back to a college relationship where a therapist said the same thing. I was thunderstruck. That relationship broke up into an inferno after I tried to talk about that specific thing with that partner. This time when I brought it up, my husband was much more amenable-and understanding.
I brought up how it feels like he makes all the decisions regardless of my input (if I'm consulted at all). The most pertinent example being my employment situation while doing my bootcamp. No matter my feelings and thoughts, it always settled firmly on the hubby's take. I rationalized in my mind and assured myself that he's usually right. But, is he mostly right because he makes the most calls? How can I be wrong or right if I never make a decision?
I'm not the woman I wanted to be or the woman I could be. I think bucking up and making some decisions and taking responsibility for them could help get me there. I'd like to be more confident and resilient, able to take feedback and be decisive. I don't think I'll get there cowering in the hubster's shadow and letting him run the show. I know we're married, but it's not balanced right now.
Anyways. It was a tearful ride from the airport to grocery store on the way to my parents' house for Christmas. I flew in after the hubster, cats, and our son drove up because I had to attend my bootcamp on Saturday morning. Overall, it was a good holiday but something felt wrong. I don't know if it had to do with not being Santa to our son this year (the talk happened this summer) or family dynamics, but the Christmas cheer was suppressed. We still had great times, but something was missing.
So, from here. I'm going to ask for part-time and see what happens. It's unlikely they'd be able to oblige quickly or at all. If they deny my request I will let them know that I might be taking more time off the next few months to get by and that if I have to quit they won't get the preferred length of notice. It feels "threaty" but it's really just a heads up.
I'm enjoying the bootcamp and want to dedicate more time to learning the design program-I'm hoping part-time comes through and I can get into more deep learning. I'm also aware that I'm not as productive in unstructured settings and I'm concerned about using the extra time effectively. Win some, lose some; but I've got to try as my current situation is not good.
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